Thursday, June 07, 2007

Quote Roundup #12, Part 2

Moar quotes from the month of May. Sorry. More quotes from the month of May. Spend one night on /b/ and your brain turns into mush.

"Here's the thing. This whole relationship thing? It never ends well. And as much as people are gonna say that it's mutual, it is never fucking mutual. It's not like two people call at the exact same time and say, 'Hey, let's break up.' Does that happen? No." — Rayne Summers,
Dear Rayne Internet Radio Call-in Show

"There's a lot of things I don't want to see come out of my anus — sailboats, midgets, race cars — and blood? Blood is right there, man." — Rayne Summers,
Dear Rayne Internet Radio Call-in Show

"Eight million Asians can't be wrong. Trust them. They know shit." — Rayne Summers recommending World of Warcraft,
Dear Rayne Internet Radio Call-in Show

"Any double standard, that works in my favor, is a good standard." — Rayne Summers,
Dear Rayne Internet Radio Call-in Show

"Homicide is life's little problem solver." — Rayne Summers,
Dear Rayne Internet Radio Call-in Show . . . Why am I attributing quotes to comic characters like they're real people?

"In the words of Jesus X. Christ: 'Fuck that.'" — Rayne Summers,
Dear Rayne Myspace Archives

"Here's a shocking idea. Instead of driving ourselves crazy avoiding everything that's been poisoned and spending enormous efforts on curing diseases caused by the poisons... How about not just poisoning everything?" Bunnista,
Minimum Security

"People are dumb. Throw books at them." — I found this via
punkybrister69, but she might've picked it up someplace else

"Brad! Brad, did you find Jenni? Is she all right?" "I don't know. All I found was her skin!" — Wayward, providing random cheesy slasher movie dialog in
Insecticomics

"The U.N. is right — can't be any more 'un' than you are right now."
— Dave Mustaine, "United Abominations"

"Too many OBGYNs are unable to practice their love with women all over this country." — George W. Bush, fuck it,
here

"My God, this isn't rocket science. In fact, if this were rocket science, that would have killed someone." — me,
Wit And Wisdom

"I'm a music fan, and American Idol represents every single thing that's wrong with the music industry, so I avoid it like the plague." — me,
Wit And Wisdom

"I'm not looking forward to the day I have to cut out sugar. I just hope that if I do get diabetes, it's the kind where you need sugar to survive. 'I NEED A SHEET CAKE RIGHT NOW OR I'M GOING TO DIE!!'" — me,
Wit And Wisdom

"The thing about common sense is that it's not that common, but if you call it 'uncommon sense' it makes you sound elitist. How about: 'I have uncanny sense'?" — me,
Wit And Wisdom

"I saw a guy yesterday wearing a shirt that read: 'Guns don't kill people. Abortion clinics kill people.' How has this guy not been shot in the chest already? I mean, seriously, how can anyone resist the urge? 'Haha! Proved you wrong, asshole! Betcha wish you'd gone to the abortion clinic instead, huh! Time to realign your political views!'" — me,
Just Asking For A Retroactive Abortion

"Mirror. Father. Mirror. Mirror. Father. Mirror. Mirror. Father. Mirror."
— the movie Ghost World

"The unit is forced to drop one of its most emotionally charged cases when it is discovered that there is no law against two moderately unattractive people having consensual sex in the privacy of their own home." — Dennis Farrell,
SomethingAwful: Law & Order: SVU — Season 9 Sneak Peak

"When actress Lindsay Lohan wakes up to a ghost wagging his genitals in her face in an enthusiastic pantomime of oral sex, she loses control of her car and crashes into a church, killing a couple who were having sex in a pew as part of a radio show stunt." — Dennis Farrell,
SomethingAwful: Law & Order: SVU — Season 9 Sneak Peak

"I am currently being held hostage by my disobedient brain. Be advised - brain may be armed with erratic, nonsensical activity and should be considered perplexing." — OKCupid user "
crazylettuce"

"This is retarded." "Retarded? THIS! IS! TARGET!!" — Seibertron.com forum members "Noisemaze" and "Shadowman" discussing knock-off products being sold at Target,
here

"Many a man I have been privileged to call a brother in arms has died from enemy fire, friendly fire or just plain old stupidity on the part of some pansy ass college pretty boy CO with pressed pants and a text book." — Napalm Jones,
The Phat Phree: Memorialize These!

"Then the Ron Jeremy Fairy Tale that you were so eager to digest comes roaring back into reality like Nicole Richie's lunch. When the ugly lazy guy does finally get the girl, he gets screwed, just like real life. Let's face it; the only ugly guys that get to fuck random chicks and ignore the unwanted offspring in reality are all in the NBA." — Napalm Jones on the movie Knocked Up,
The Phat Phree: Memorialize These!

"Hey! Burger flavored chips! OH FUCK THESE TASTE LIKE DEATH'S SWEATY BALLSACK!!!" — me,
Doritos Experiments In Failure

"I hate those places. You know how once you're in a strip club for a while, you eventually take the nudity for granted and start focusing more on the buffet spread than the women? I refuse, refuse, to become desensitized to nude women. Every time I see a naked woman, I want to be all like, 'WOW. She's naked. That's awesome.'" — Rayne Summers,
Least I Could Do

"When I have a naked woman in front of me, I want it to be because I've earned it, not because I've paid for it." — me,
Invaded By Idiots (Strip Clubs Redux)

"Techno is the best sex music? That's ridiculous. All that does is it gives me a migraine, and there's no way anybody can keep up with that music. If you can, you're having sex in 35 seconds. You might want to go with something with a little slower tempo and your partner might enjoy it a little bit more." — Rayne Summers,
Dear Rayne Internet Radio Call-in Show

"What if you have three or four kids? Is that a school of kids? A herd?" — Mick Alpha,
Dear Rayne Internet Radio Call-in Show

All of these Anon quotes came from a discussion on gas prices on /b/:
"Gas isn't really very expensive for what you get. If the price of cheese was always posted in huge two foot letters on every other intersection in the US people would complain about how ridiculously overpriced cheese is." — Anon, (it's not necessarily true, but it's still funny)

"Fuck poor people I say. Fuck them. They all deserve to be poor. Most of them dress badly and speak some fucked-ass language I don’t understand." — Anon

"V8? pffft... I have a V10 Excursion. 11 mpg biotches. Greenpeace burned a cross on my front lawn." — Anon

"Great state of California? No such place exists." — Anon

"Look kid, if you need to travel in a tube filled with smelly germ-ridden people to save a few bucks, you need a better job." — Anon

"A lot of prisoners hold a strong belief against homosexuality, but when Brutus the 500-pound serial killer has them bent over the bedframe they suddenly become much more accommodating." — me,
here

"After eight years of Republicans messing things up, I'd like the other side to get a chance to break the country." — Josh Boruff,
SomethingAwful: It's Debatable

"The flaws in this debate format were massive and glaring, like making a sandwich and then realizing that you forgot the bread and basically just spread a bunch of condiments all over your lap." — Josh Boruff,
SomethingAwful: It's Debatable

"I know that George W. Bush set the bar low for presidents, but do we have to start treating all potential presidents as children? We've taken some of the most complicated issues of the modern world and reduced them to 'raise your hand if you ___.' Maybe in another decade we can replace elections with rock, paper, scissors." — Josh Boruff,
SomethingAwful: It's Debatable

I can't use these for my tagline, but I absolutely love them anyway. They receive honorable mention:
"I represent the law firm of Dogbert, Dogbert, and more Dogbert." — Dogbert,
Dilbert

Finally, my grandma made a funny and didn't even know it the other day. We were talking about gas prices. My dad said, "You know how much gas costs in Iraq? Thirty-nine cents. We pay over three dollars here and they're paying thirty-nine cents." Then my grandma came back with this completely innocent statement that, when you take a moment to picture the scenario, is more clever than she may ever know: "Yeah, but I don't want to go driving around in Iraq."


np: Dream Theater - "In The Presence Of Enemies, Part 1"

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