Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Quote Roundup #12, Part 1

Apparently to make up for April's piss-poor showing of quotes, I gathered way too many over the month of May. So many, in fact, I'm splitting them up over two days for two very important reasons: a) fuck it, and b) this post would be tediously long if I listed them all at once.

"Heck is where you're darned when you don't believe in Gosh."
— public domain, as far as I can tell.

"If you're listening to a rock star in order to get your information on who to vote for, you're a bigger moron than they are." — Alice Cooper

"Idiot kids are having a make-believe gang war on our walls despite the fact that gangs are stupid, and these kids are about as hardcore as the Get-Along Gang. Seriously, I'd like to drop off the load of these limping, crook-wristed pubescents in the lower east side of Chicago at midnight and see how many of them last until morning." — me,
Baffoom Break

"Faith No More w/ Chuck Mosely as vocalist — God, make it stop! It burns! Seriously, worst singer ever. How do you even go from this to Patton without any intermediate steps? It's like going to bed a horribly disfigured burn victim, then waking up transfigured into a Playboy centerfold." — SomethingAwful forum member "NObodyNOWHERE" discussing good bands with bad singers, seconding my unspoken primary nomination

"Chuck Mosely sounds like he got punched in the nose directly before singing into the microphone on every single song." — me,
Bad Vocalists Who Front Good Bands

"I like how bands like this always say 'We're taking it to the next level!' just before a new album comes out, as though they're apologizing for not trying hard enough before now. Just once I'd like for them to say 'It's more of the same' or 'We just couldn't get it together as well this time, but we've got a contract to fulfill so here it is.' In the case of Linkin Park I'd like for them to say, 'Even we're not aware how completely irrelevent we are today, so here's another album!'" — SomethingAwful forum member "Jadius" discussing the new Linkin Park album,

"Somehow even Justin loving Timberlake is a creatively and artistically respected musician today, but Linkin Park is still Linkin Park." — SomethingAwful forum member "Jadius,"
same post

"This is why I find the various copyright zealots (MPAA, RIAA) so amusing. They're going apeshit trying to chase down college students, while China has 'Copyright Infringement Happy Family Park' and entire markets filled with nothing but pirated DVDs." — SomethingAwful forum member "Walter,"

"We have strong reactions here to celebrities espousing different points of view, I think we'd all collectively freak out if Susan Sarandon was talking about the poor African children while flying around and being bulletproof." — SomethingAwful forum member "Wyntyr" discussing Superman's morality,

"For Pony!" — Richard,
Looking For Group

"Back in da day a G could make 5 grand a day online but the bubble burst, holmes. Niggas be sellin' stock with no real business plan! This dot com went down like a mutha fucka." — Hassan Mikal,
SomethingAwful's Weekend Web: Da-Blocc and Boylove Online Community

"'Wrote'? Sir, I am bloated with steamy, wonderous muse. My poems are not so much written as they are excreted. . . . That didn't come out right." — Bucky Katt,
Get Fuzzy

"The Internet is the place where a middle-aged, God-fearing, Republican, loving father of four will threaten to rip the arms off of an eighty-year-old woman because he disagrees with her knitting techniques in an AOL forum." — me,
Law Enforcement Discovers The Internet

", a centralized network of online urban communities that features free classified advertisements, according to the fact that that's what it fucking is. If you don't believe us, then go there yourself. We just gave you the address. Just beware of the postings asking for a blow job from a fourteen-year-old transsexual hooker from Thailand." — me,
Law Enforcement Discovers The Internet

"Craigslist is just one example of a central nervous system for everything that's wrong with humanity, let alone the Internet. If it's inappropriate and questionably illegal, Craigslist is your one-stop online shop." — me,
Law Enforcement Discovers The Internet

"How do you know if you're in love? If you can picture her pooping and still want to have sex afterwards, you're there." — Mick and Rayne, respectively,
Least I Could Do

"With a little bit of insanity, you can pretty much justify anything." — Just something that came out of my mouth in conversation one day

"No one can impart perfect universal truths to their students. Except math teachers." — Randall Munroe,
xkcd: "Certainty"

"They say you never hear the bullet that kills, and I don't hear a sound."
— Ronnie James Dio, "The End of the World"

"Oh I remember the words of the misguided fool: Do unto others as you'd have them do and not an eye for an eye is the golden rule. Just leaves the room full of blind men."
— Dave Matthews, "Everybody Wake Up"

"The Fallen is bound by whatever titles people give him, right? Think we can force him to answer to 'Grimlock's Baby-Daddy'?" — Bombshell,

"This is the fifth afternoon we've spent just making cupcakes. Maybe we didn't survive that crash." — Joey & Emily,
A Softer World

"Lopez couldn't beat one of Edward James Olmos' dirt filled face divots in a beauty contest, and that's just what I think about his show with the sound off." — Napalm Jones,
SCG: Fairy Tail or Pirate Booty

"If we could just find a way to pull the life support on Carlos Mencia as well then latin Americans could finally go back to having some respect for themselves." — Napalm Jones,
SCG: Fairy Tail or Pirate Booty

"Haha. What are you expecting big boobs to be filled with? Muscle? Candy?" — Anonymous on /b/, responding to someone saying, "I'm hoping her tits are naturally big, and not full of fat."

"Jailbait: They might look good until you have to put up with their retard asses for half an hour."
— me, killing the boners of pedophiles with soul-crushing reality

"If they don't want us to do it why do they call it 'piracy'? Who doesn't want to be a pirate? Seriously." — Anonymous on /b/, discussing file-sharing

"I wouldn't steal a car. I wouldn't steal a handbag. I wouldn't steal a television. I wouldn't steal a DVD? All that other stuff takes effort. I can steal a DVD without leaving the house. Without even leaving my chair. Fuck, without even putting my dick back in my pants."
— Anonymous on /b/, discussing file-sharing

"When the Internet first began to blossom so many years ago, it looked from afar like a beautiful rose made of dreams. That is, until you got close enough to realize it smelled like a gnarly crotch." — Johnny Titanium,
SomethingAwful: Bride of Anarchy

The quotes in Part 2 will be better than these.


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