Tuesday, June 19, 2007

OH GOD MAKE THE HURTING STOP!!

I've written glowing reviews of songs I consider impressive before, but today I'm going to do the opposite and write glaring reviews of songs I consider godawful. Unlike the impressive songs, which are primarily by underground bands on smaller labels that would otherwise go largely unknown, somehow the godawful songs seem to all have one main underlying theme: they're all highly publicized releases by major label artists that get a lot of radio airplay, and they all suck outright. Gone are the days when one could be delighted to hear new songs from bands like Led Zeppelin or Pink Floyd played over the radio. Now commercial radio has all devolved into crap that no sane person would ever desire to hear, yet the insane seem to vehmentely clutch to their bosom the notion that if it gets played on the radio, it must be good. Wrong. If it gets played on the radio in 2007, it must have the most promotional money backing it. Being "good" has nothing to do with it, otherwise we'd hear bands like Pain of Salvation and Dead Soul Tribe on the radio and Faith No More and Course of Empire would still be together.

Red Hot Chili Peppers - "Bump De Hump"
I decided to start us off with the impish Red Hot Chili Peppers "song" "Bump De Hump." The lyrics make no sense, and when Anthony Kiedis screeches out "Oh no!" it makes me embarrassed to have been born so that one day I could actually hear someone else do that in a commercially successful song. If anyone thinks this equates to funk, they should be shot by George Clinton and their corpse shat upon by Sly Stone. The Red Hot Chili Peppers have been in a state of constant decay since the early Nineties around the time that they wrote "Under The Bridge" and discovered that they can be major pussies. Now most of the songs they produce on each album are bland, uninspired ballads that all sound the same and all sound like the ballads on all their previous albums. Their attempt to recreate "Give It Away" has resulted in, well, this. It's time for the Chili Peppers to hang it up. The mere fact that this band still exists and Faith No More doesn't should be considered a crime against humanity. The entire RIAA should be tried at Nuremberg for the genocide of musical taste.

Three Days Grace - "(I Hate) Everything About You"
You know what the world needs? Another hardcore/mallcore/emocore/screamo band to disguise their lack of talent with a wall of brown noise and mindlessly yelling hollow lyrics and somehow call it metal. Ronnie James Dio should kick their asses and tell them to write some real music. I think we should just ignore any genre of music that either has the word "core" attached to it or rhymes with "emo" because not one has popped up yet that hasn't proven to be complete and utter shit. Unfortunately the types of kids who like this peurile form of music will find the lyrics so relevant to their lives because they have not emotionally matured enough to recognize a good relationship from a bad one. "I hate / You hate / I hate / You hate / I hate / You hate / I hate / You love me!!" Here's an idea: If you hate each other so badly, fucking leave. Both of you will be able to move on to find someone better suited for you, and you'll be able to do so before you emotionally cripple yourselves beyond all repair. Unfortuantely it's probably too late because somewhere between fetal alcohol syndrome and a crystal meth addiction, you're likely already too emotionally crippled to carry on a constructive relationship. Still, do the world a favor and shut the fuck up about it. I will admit that the chorus is catchy, but like the image of your parents having sex, not everything that gets permanently burned into your brain is a good thing.

Poison - "Every Rose Has Its Thorn"
How does this song still get played on the radio to this day? If RATT was the poorly-constructed foreign knock-off of Mötley Crüe, then Poison was definitely the poorly-constructed foreign knock-off of Guns N Roses that you might happen across at Big Lots! for sale at a reduced clearance price. (Some of you might argue that Poison came out before Guns N Roses, but fuck you. Guns N Roses were more popular, better songwriters, and more relevant than Poison could ever hope to be.) Even though they were very obviously trying to recreate something as effective as the Guns N Roses song "Patience" or "Don't Cry" here they somehow were able to construct a song even less exciting than the limpest Bon Jovi power ballad. Every time I hear the opening notes to this song on the radio I groan because I know I have nothing to look forward to but pure, unadulturated boredom for the next four minutes of my life that I'll never get back. If I could find a way to sue Bret Michaels, C.C. Deville, and the entire RIAA for lost time throughout my life for having to hear this stagnant piece of clichéd lyrical crap on the radio, I would. Would you believe some people are brave and sad enough to claim to have lost their virginity to this song? Congratulations, you lost your virginity to a trite break-up song. It's about as bad as people who play Whitney Houston's break-up song "I Will Always Love You" or Police's stalker song "Every Breath You Take" at their weddings. Hahaha, fail.

Toby Keith - "I Wanna Talk About Me!"
When a coworker of mine who loves country music once complained about some song on the classic rock station, I remarked that "Every radio station is entitled to play a bad song every now and then. I mean, even the country stations play Toby Keith songs." Okay, with minor exception in the form of musicians who have been around since the Fifties or Sixties, country music has been in a constant state of creative decline since approximately 1980. Modern country music has got to be the most stagnant, stale, uncreative, uninspired, banal, borning, clichéd, trite, ignorant, and embarrassing form of music that has ever been created. With each new song that comes out, I have to wonder how many times they can recycle the exact same beat, the exact same three guitar chords, the exact same lyrics, the exact same voice cracks in the exact same strategic places before the retards who like this shit realize that it's nothing but a gigantic, retarded waste of their money. Then I realize that these are the same people who watch cars drive in a circle with fervent intensity and I understand that all hope for humanity is lost.

Sitting on the top of the shitheap that has become the country music industry is its crowned king Toby Keith. I cannot contemplate the existence of a worse songwriter for fear of my own sanity. Every song this guy produces is a complete waste of our ability to perceive sound. He writes lyrics like a home-schooled seven-year-old who cut a few classes. Toby Keith lyrics are like the soundtrack to the inside of George W. Bush's head when he's not speaking and staring rather confused and dumbfounded into the press cameras. I could have easily picked "Get Drunk and Be Somebody" or "Courtesy of the Red, White & Blue," the latter of which will probably appear on a later post because it is absolutely atrocious, but I've most recently heard "I Wanna Talk About Me!" on the radio, and it was then I realized that the quickest way to drive a sane man to suicide is via this song.

If he's not singing about getting drunk or the jingoistic annihilation of brown people all over the world, then he's singing about thinly-disguised misogyny as is the case with this song. What really annoys me above all else in this song, including the yodeling in the chorus, is that he lists off all of the hopes and dreams and concerns of his female companion (re: stripper), but when it comes time for him to talk about himself, it turns out he has nothing at all to say. He sings and shouts and rants and yodels about how he wants to talk about himself — what he thinks, what he likes, what he knows, what he wants, what he sees — but he never actually just does. This leads me to believe that he really doesn't have all that much to say after all. Nothing of any interest anyway. I mean, at least the woman he's with has a slight chance of having something interesting to say, but judging by any randomly selected Toby Keith song, the chances are favorable that he absolutely does not. Toby, if you want to talk about yourself, stop throwing a temper tantrum about it and just fucking talk about yourself already. If you don't then we're just going to continue to assume that you have nothing vaguely important to say.

Natasha Bedingfield - "I Wanna Have Your Babies"
I first discovered this marvelous gem at a movie theater where the video preceded the film. It kind of surprised me to see a music video preceding a feature film in a theater because I thought music videos became overall irrelevent the day MTV decided music wasn't cool anymore. Then I felt compelled to ponder "What the Christ is this shit?!" Not only was this a music video by nobody I could ever bring myself to acknowledge artisically, but the video itself looked like something a high school freshman girl would produce at a mall. I don't mean that it would be filmed on location at an actual mall, but I mean it looked like it was made by one of those places you find in various malls that claim to put you in a video but really just put you in front of a green screen so it looks as cheap and gaudy as technology could allow. Of course, I'm giving Natasha Bedingfield too much credit to assume she has any sense of class or dignity above "cheap and gaudy" herself. Then it occurred to me that she was singing "I want to have your babies," and although the next line was so overwrought with production I couldn't quite make out the lyrics, I could swear she was saying "I want them popping out like daisies." The actual line I discovered later, "I see them springing up like daisies," isn't much better.

I was appalled. As a mature and responsible adult, I just could not condone the message of this song. I think, if Natasha Bedingfield were to have a baby, it should be confiscated by Child Protective Services on the grounds that she is Natasha Bedingfield. We've seen what a tremendous mother Britney Spears turned out to be, and by all indications the music industry may have found in Natasha Bedingfield the one person even more idiotic than Britney. It's even more alarming that she was allowed to record such a song in the first place. Maybe "I want to have his babies!" is a new expression used by girls to show interest in a guy or maybe it's an expression RIAA marketers are hoping will catch on if they can market it properly enough using the next vapid, talentless pop star materialistic enough to catch the attention of preadolescent girls across the nation. We're trying to get teenage girls to reproduce less, but here comes this gigantic bag of polished skank like the goddess of fertility encouraging her preadolescent fan base to procreate. It's just like in the Eighties when Madonna released "Papa Don't Preach" and a multitude of teenage girls all cried out at once, "Imma keepin' mah baybee too! What's Madonna got what I don't got?" About fifteen million dollars, bitch, but that's okay because a lifetime of poverty with welfare to buy you your pot money is a highly sought-after career choice too. Fast forward twenty years later, and what does Natasha Bedingfield have that the average member of her fourteen-year-old fan base doesn't? About fourteen and a half of her fifteen minutes of fame and highly likely less artistic talent.

When I found out that "I Wanna Have Your Babies" is a Natasha Bedingfield "song," I suspected that her name seemed familiar to me. Following a whim and a hunch, I looked her up in the SomethingAwful archives and discovered that, sure enough, she was the artist Dr. David Thorpe
wrote about earlier this year, boldly declaring in regards to her first two singles, "Natasha Bedingfield's mental impotence is not interesting to me, and neither is her music, which is 100% production and 0% not crap." I don't think anyone could have said it better. There is nothing about this woman that doesn't demand her immediate extermination. Particularly before she is allowed to actually have someone's baby.

np: Dream Theater - "Stream of Instrumentals" (on YouTube)

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