Sunday, May 20, 2007

You Have Two Cows

Today, I present to you the saga of two cows. This came in one particular message board thread on one particular website. It originally started when someone posted an email forward illustrating the purposes of different forms of government using an analogy of milking two cows. Then everyone else took off with the idea and illustrated everything from politics to religion to philosophy to art using the two cows and milk analogy.

Unfortunately, I didn't get any screen grabs to illustrate the point, but it's probably a good thing because if I did, it would have taken me days to format them all, days more to post them all, and it would have made this entry run on for miles of Superhighway with poor uses of ambient space. Instead, I just copied the text of all the ones I found somewhat humorous. Enjoy. And try to learn something about politics or, I don't know, cows.

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as it decides you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

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AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majorityshareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot and block the roads, because you want three cows.

CANADA: You have two cows. The government takes the milk and puts it in a bag. You get free health care and die of cancer because of all the hypochondriacs in line in front of you. Since it's free and your toe kinda hurts, you go see a brain surgeon.

AFRICA: You have no cows. You have malaria. Bono and the rest of the uninformed West send you AIDS medicine and condoms.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: You have fifty cows. Your neighbors decide which two cows will give you the best milk, even though everyone knows none of them will.

DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC: You have two cows. Whichever cow gets more votes is the one to milk. Even if its milk isn't the best, everybody has to drink it because the majority rules.

NIHILISM: You have two cows. You don't care.

CANNIBALISM: You are a cow. You eat the other cow.

HONDURAS: You have two cows, but no water. You milk them dry so you can stay hydrated for another day and trade them in for a woman.

FRANCE: You have two cows. You surrender to them.

NEO-CONSERVATISM: You have two cows. When one cow dies, you try to explain to the other cow that the chickens were behind it, and spend years trying to teach it to hunt eggs.

NAZISM: You own two cows. The government shoots you and takes the cows. Then it kills the cows for not being pure enough.

UNITINU: You have an even number of cows. The government requires you to keep them symmetrically distributed across a pasture.

REALITY: You have two cows. You don't really know what to do next…

SKEPTICISM: Do you really have two cows?

CHRISTIANITY: You believe you have two cows. You've never seen them and they don't give you any milk, but you believe in them anyway because it's all you've got.

AGNOSTICISM: You're not really sure if you have two cows or not, but you decide to milk them anyway, just to be on the safe side.

ATHEISM: There are no cows.

SATANISM: You want two cows. You will take them and destroy anyone who stands in your way. Hail Satan!

JUDAISM: You have two cows. You milk one and hope the other one shows up someday.

IRELAND: You have two cows. One bombs the other for its religious beliefs when they really should be teaming up to take their pasture back from the oppressive farmer.

INTERNET: Allows you to find images of humans engaging in sexual acts with two cows.

DIABLO: You have two cows. They moo when you click them.

THE BORG COLLECTIVE: You have two cows. The Borg assimilate you and the cows. Milking becomes irrelevant.

HIGHLANDER: You have two cows. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!

CORPORATE STATISM: You have two cows. You use the milk to buy off representatives and then ship the cows to be milked overseas for vastly reduced labor costs.

SCIENTOLOGY: You have two cows. You look like an idiot while a con man milks you.

HEDONISM: You have two cows. Apologize for nothing.

MINIMALISM: You have one cow. Milk.

EXPRESSIONISM: You draw a picture of two cows, but the subject matter isn't important.

PURE CAPITALISM: You have no cows because the wealthiest one percent of the society owns all of the land and factories. You can't form a union because you have no governmental protection from the corporate interests, and as such you work ten hour days for cents on the dollar of what you should be making, only to give it right back to the company to buy a half pint of milk to feed your starving children.

CREATIONISM: Two cows appear out of nowhere. You milk them and thank God.

EVOLUTIONISM: After millions of years, whales turn into cows. You milk two of them while thrusting your middle finger at God.

INTELLIGENT DESIGN: You have two cows. It took God millions of years to carefully shape and refine them into the perfect beings they are today. You argue whether your children should know what a cow is.

DARWINISM: You have two cows. Five hundred million years ago they were just single cell amoeba.

IDEALISM: One day you're going to have two cows and they're going to be PERFECT!

SOCRATIC METHODISM: How many cows do I have? Why?

INTERNET DEBATISM: You have two cows. You ignore them to go beat a dead horse.

JINGOISM: You have two cows. USA! USA! USA!

FEMINISIM: You have two cows and grant them equal rights as bulls. When the bulls start smacking up the cows you call them cowards for hitting a weaker creature.

CONSPIRACY THEORISM: The government has 50,000,000 gold supercows from Mars hidden in Israel. You have a tinfoil hat and a milk stain that kind of looks like Jesus.

IMPERIALISM: All your cows belong to us. You'll get milk when we feel like giving it to you. Shut up.

SOLPICISM: You have two cows, but they're really just figments of your imagination.

FRED PHELPS: You have two cows. A bunch of idiots shout "GOD HATES COWS" at traffic outside your house.

SOUTHERN BAPTISTS: You have two cows. You beat them to death because someone told you they seem a little gay.

CATHOLICISM: You have two cows. You milk the bull.

COWISM: You have two humans. You milk them.

TERRORISM: You have two cows. Your neighbor drives his tractor into them. As a direct response, Bush declares war on Uruguay.

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