Sunday, May 27, 2007

Legendary Threads, Volume 1

There are certain web communities that are just impossible to make fun of, particularly because they are specifically set up to be this way. Any one of the anonymous Futaba-style image posting boards, the Chans, stand to be an example of this, especially in the random section, generally designated /b/. I've been wondering for a while now how to make fun of a forum full of smart people pretending to be idiots under the veil of anonymity, or making fun of idiots when the smart people there already do it with such fine precision. Then I realized that I don't have to make fun of them at all. They already do all the work for me. All I have to do is post some collected "Legendary Threads" for your entertainment value.

Some of these threads may be shocking to some of your sensitivities because, essentially, the average /b/tard possesses none. Any one of the Chans is a place where people indulge in all of the thoughts that they could never get away with thinking in public. It's a place where sarcasm, cynicism, parody, and satire abound. Nothing is to be taken seriously, and if you do take it seriously, you're retarded and they will flame the shit out of you. They indulge in homophobic insults and racial slurs and Nazi rhetoric just to revel in how utterly stupid it all is and to garner laughs. It's also a place where any picture can be posted and will be posted ad infinitum epochs before you get it in a cutesy email from your grandmom. ANY picture. People there are numb to the worst conditions of human depravation. Mutilation, shock, scat, and degenerate sex images are flooded and summarily either made fun of or ignored. I tend to stick to 4chan, however, because the moderators are more relentless in scaning for and removing anyone stupid enough to post actual illegal content like child porn.

Any random Futaba board can be best summed up with the following quote:
"Tsunami owns the Asian continent and we laugh. Psychotic emo takes his sickness out on a cat and we laugh. People mutilate themselves for no apparent reason and we laugh. Suicide, homicide, genocide? We laugh. Racism, sexism, discrimination, xenophobia, and baseless hate? We laugh. We are mindless 'me-too'ism. We are irrational preference. We are pointless flamewars. We are the true face of the Internet." Now on to a few of my favorite Legendary Threads. I'm going to thumbnail these because some are quite long. If you have trouble understanding any of the memes or terms, you might get some help at the fake Wiki article,
here. Enjoy.

I'll start you out with something nice and simple, from the "Animals and Nature" board:

Pokémon is a pretty common general meme, as well as people watching you do things extremely private:

Anonymous is not always accommodating:

...Or intelligent:

...But sometimes Anonymous is fucking genius:

What do you miss?

Clinton is a sort of unofficial hero in /b/. Bush is sort of an hero, by which I mean most people are hoping that he would assassinate himself.

Another thing Anonymous likes to do from time to time is the Captain Planet roll call:

This one I just love. Posting on /b/ moves fast, generally about a post per second, if not faster. It's funny enough that this guy failed to get a completely random post number, but that's not half as funny as his expletive after having his failure pointed out to him:

In this thread, Cancer comes to address its legions of adoring fans:

This thread is basically a plot summary of Pirates of the Carribean 2: Dead Man's Chest:

Finally, this is not generally characteristic of me to say, but I won the thread with my comment. Hey, he insulted Pain of Salvation; he had it coming...

That's all I'm doing for today. I have plenty more Legendary Threads saved up, so I'll probably revisit this concept in a few months. What good is keeping this hotbed of mindless hilarity if I can't share it with anyone?


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