Monday, May 14, 2007

Law Enforcement Discovers The Internet

Law Enforcement Discovers the Internet

This is rich. This article must be written for the lowest common denominator of non-Internet users from about thirty years ago because it is startlingly stupid. This comment was fairly amusing:
"Investigators often look for basic information, such as addresses and phone numbers, using online phone directories and online reverse directories, as well as using information that isn’t accessible to the public, such as driving records."
Couldn't they already do that? What did they use to find information before the Internet? I thought they could always look up addresses and phone numbers through their own databases. However, what really put the above quote into truly distinguished comedic virtue was the last sentence:
"They also do Google searches."
You mean like the rest of motherfucking humanity?!

What I really can't wrap my mind around with this article is that I simply refuse to believe that, after the Internet Proper has existed for well over ten years now, law enforcement is just now figuring out that sometimes crimes happen on it besides just the trafficking of child pornography, the proliferation of copyrighted materials, and apparently, the overwhelming public dissent of the President that somehow incomprehensibly equates to what they describe as "treason." Most veteran Internet users are already fully aware that crimes happen online all the time. Given that anonymity makes people feel more secure in dropping the shallow façade of basic human decency that they must assume when out in public, they thus feel free to act like the savage animals online that they merely pretend not to be in the real world. The Internet is the place where a middle-aged, God-fearing, Republican, loving father of four will threaten to rip the arms off of an eighty-year-old woman because he disagrees with her knitting techniques in an AOL forum. Can crimes occur in real life that have a foothold in the Internet? Duuuuuuh!

This is my absolute favorite quote from the article:
"...after an officer replied to a posting on, a centralized network of online urban communities that features free classified advertisements, according to Wikipedia."
There's just some inherent irony in citing an Internet resource as a reference for another Internet resource in a published article about how far behind people are when it comes to Internet knowledge that made me laugh out loud for about two full minutes. It would have been more appropriate to say, ", a centralized network of online urban communities that features free classified advertisements, according to the fact that that's what it fucking is. If you don't believe us, then go there yourself. We just gave you the address. Just beware of the postings asking for a blow job from a fourteen-year-old transsexual hooker from Thailand."

The mere fact that they are just now discovering Craigslist shows us just how behind the power curve the police really are. Craigslist is just one example of a central nervous system for everything that's wrong with humanity, let alone the Internet. If it's inappropriate and questionably illegal, Craigslist is your one-stop online shop. Us veteran Internet users know this. Where the fuck have the cops and the writer of this article been? Probably out having a life that consists of such fanciful things as a family, friends, hobbies, alcohol, and sex. So, yeah, there is that.

Perhaps this quote from the Bettendorf police chief says all it needs to:
"Law enforcement has come a long way with technology, but so are criminals."
It's "but so have criminals," Phil. "Have." Your verb tenses really should agree. Maybe he should check out an online grammar tutorial while he's at it. (Of course, like I'm one to talk.)


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