Thursday, May 31, 2007

Doritos Experiments In Failure

A couple of years ago, I complained that Doritos sucks because they refuse to make new flavors with any distinguishing characteristics. They've come a little way recently by finally releasing two of the most distinctive flavors they probably have in the past ten years. One is the — I swear I'm not making up this name — "Smokin' Cheddar Barbecue" flavor which is distinctive because it has the sweet tang of barbecue sauce. They might as well not even include "cheddar" in the name because you can't taste the cheddar. It's just barbecue flavored Doritos. It won the "Pick the New Flavor Challenge" by being released with a "White Cheddar" flavor, which was doomed from the start to fail. For one, why doesn't white cheddar get a descriptor like "smokin'" to make it more appealing to the idiots who actually buy Doritos? For two, they might as well have named it "Salt" because it came in a ghost-white bag and tasted like fucking salt. It's like the marketing execs at the Doritos section of Frito Lay were testing the IQ of their average customer base with this flavor choice. "If they pick the White Cheddar flavor, we'll finally know why slightly over half of the country voted for Bush, twice: because they're fucking retarded!" Fortunately Smokin' Cheddar Barbecue won the challenge, because although I'm somehow an adult now and prefer the moistness and texture of actual food for my meals these days, when I do decide to eat dry corn paste covered in dry flavor dust, it's nice to have something that tastes like it's supposed to. It's been a long time since Doritos could master that simple concept.

Unfortunately, they then came out with this utter failure of a flavor experiment that they lovingly christened "XD-13." In a nondescript black bag with info notes attached to it, it's supposed to represent an experimental flavor that has yet to be named. They've turned it into a sort of "guess the flavor" contest. A guy at work was telling me about them and he said he couldn't quite name the flavor. I assumed it was either "salt" or "hot," and he said it was more on the "salt" side, but it had a sort of lime flavor that he couldn't place. So I decided to try a dollar bag to put my culinary skills to the test. I could place the flavor right away: pickles. Fucking pickles. Mother. Fucking. Pickles. That's not entirely fair. It kind of tastes like Bugles chips at first, but then the definite pickle taste hits you like a mule kick to the head. I think the flavor they were attempting was a cheeseburger, but someone in the Doritos flavor lab got way too carried away with the pickle flavor. They might as well name them "Pickle" flavored Doritos because they taste primarily like pickles, secondarily like Bugles, and mostly like puke.

I normally pick the pickles off my burgers because they're way too overpowering. You're biting along, enjoying your burger, then you bite into a pickle and that's the only thing you can taste, and pickles are one of the most god-awful tastes I can think of from an actual edible food. I would like to go back in time to find the genius who decided that pickles belong on burgers and murder both this person's parents in their infancy just to spare the world this appalling idea. The grand prize for the contest is a year's supply of Doritos chips, but I'm hoping it's not these Doritos chips. I'd hope it's a flavor of my choosing because if it were these, I'd have to beat them to death with their own corn chips. And if you don't think someone could be beaten to death with a corn chip, it would happen if I won a year's supply of these. It would involve lots of chip crumbs and lots of bloody knuckles, but it could be done.

So here's my pitch to Doritos, who I know pour over this Blog daily, just hoping they could get my input on their genius new flavor. Unless you change your formula, name the chips "Pickle." I'm sure it will go over just as well as they will once most people try the chips anyway, it's just this way they won't get an unpleasant surprise. "Hey! Burger flavored chips! OH FUCK THESE TASTE LIKE DEATH'S SWEATY BALLSACK!!!" Instead of "All-American classic" scribbled on the experimetnal bag's production notes, it should read, "Hint: Tastes like feet."


np: Simple Minds - "Speed Your Love To Me"

1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

OH FUCK THESE TASTE LIKE DEATH'S SWEATY BALLSACK!!!

Metaquoted. You made my weekend with that comment.. *laughs*


akamoe@lj

12:39 AM  

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