Sunday, April 22, 2007

Online Dating Guide, Part 10: Stupid Profiles Of Stupid People

Of all the online dating sites out there, the only one that really holds my attention is OKCupid. Unlike other dating sites that demand you pay money to use them, OKCupid is completely free. Even more inexplicably, the completely free OKCupid offers more interesting and innovative features than many of the pay sites, including compatability matricies, journals, fun, and games. So even though I'm involved enough with a terrific young lady that I'm considering myself "taken," I still go back there to look at pictures, read journals, and find new and interesting people to make fun of.

A lot of the paid dating sites will post fake solicitations in their previews and advertising using pictures pulled from porn sites, just to lure the unsuspecting user into signing up for their services, then once you do sign up, you'll find that all there is to offer from the site are a bunch of really desperate Ugnauts and really sexy, beautiful, and intelligent people who will never, ever respond to messages from your Ugnaut ass. However, since OKCupid is non-profit, they have no reason to post fake profiles of porn stars and dedicate their time to filling out profiles, journal entries, and the like on make-believe people, so you are reasonably assured that the people listed on the site are genuine. Just be aware of the Nigerian princess spambots. You can spot these because they stay they are Nigerian princesses (or princes) with a lot of money to squat in your bank account, all they need is your bank account number. How many fucking princes and princesses does Nigeria have anyway?

For something different today, instead of posting pictures of people to make fun of, I'm going to post a few profiles that I just find dumb. Likely because they're created by people who are just dumb. Let this be a lesson in what not to put in your dating site profile, because it would almost guarantee that I would not send a message to you.

The first profile I'm going to examine is that of "
tigerlover74." This woman got a 0% Match and Friend rating with me. It could be because she has yet to answer any questions, but it could also be because the self-summary "paragraph" says all it needs to:

Let's break these sentences down. She saying "I like watch football," and "I like to go dirt track races." God, I hope her kids have really wonderful and loving patient English teachers, because they'll need them.

Next:


How can you not know what you're good at? Jesus — popping out welfare claims, butchering the English language, pick something!

There is at least one thing I could point out in practically every section of this profile, but I'll keep it short. I just wanted to point this out for the fun of it:

Looks like the sixth thing wasn't that important after all.

Next up we have "
iyanu007" who wonders why he hasn't received any messages from any nice women since he listed himself as a straight female, almost guaranteeing his profile won't be seen by any. I would make the excuse that maybe he's foreign and understands very little English, except that his profile says he's from Burlington, Iowa and the only language he has listed is English. If that's your only language, you may not want to write it like it's not your native tongue.

What is the "fair of God," and how do you come about possessing it?


The thought of this guy doing research into micro organisms for a vaccine company is just scary considering he can barely string together a sentence with random letters and a lot of glue. Also, part of what he's doing with his life is talking about what he's doing with his life. This guy must lead a very boring life, and that's coming from someone who does lead a very boring life.


I like the last line on this section. "Food i like all." Watch out, he eats everything!!

"
DreamGirl05" changed her profile up a little, but she left enough stupid in it to make it worth mentioning.

"I liked Super Troopers"? Okay, I'll give you that. "Super Trooopers was a good movie for a comedy"? That's fine. "My favorite movie is Super Troopers"? Your favorite movie? What you consider the magnum opus of best movie of all time? Die. Fucking die.


The fact that your second choice out of three is "drinking," pretty much cements that we'd have nothing in common. Especially considering you've placed that above your kid.

"
Erica20's" profile is so ripe with eror that my head wants to explode just contemplating how to make fun of everything all at once.

You probably "realy" don't know what to say because you're a fucking dumbass. Let's explore...


Yeah, good luck with all that.


Except grammar, apparently.


Obviously.


The only thing I just can't wrap my mind around is how she could think anyone would find her profile anywhere near interesting. I mean, I know there are people out there who like their women as stupid as dirt, but I think this girl would grate on even those people's very last raw nerve.

"
RooBee81" gets hung up on homophones...

You didn't where a flannel down the wear, now?

"
amethyst77" likes to skirt certain self-actualizations:

"Smokes: When drinking. Drinks: Often." So you fucking smoke often!!

That's all for today.

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