Wednesday, April 04, 2007

How Not To Hold A Crime Spree

I find it ironic that those most likely to commit a crime are generally also the least capable of actually doing it intelligently. It's like a genetic failsafe in humanity which determines that if a person is going to be a criminal, they're at least going to be a profoundly stupid one. People who might actually be intelligent enough to commit a crime and cover their tracks almost never have any inclination to actually do so.

I find this rather reassuring. If a person is reduced to nothing more than a brutish thug dependent on any number of inhibiting chemicals, it's probably going to be due largely to the fact that they lack the foresight and cunning to amount to anything more in life. This lack of foresight and cunning will lead the criminal down a path loaded with really pathetically fucking stupid mistakes. It's mistakes like these that make it so insanely easy for the police to eventually catch them, and for us ordinary citizens to make fun of them.

This brings me to today's topic, a certain failure at life involved in a rash of local robberies over the past week. Since his family lineage is a somewhat prominent, recognized name in the area, I won't embarrass them by reprinting his last name here except to hint that it sounds an awful lot like what "odemeyer" would if it began with an "r." I'm sure they're quite disgusted by what their little fucktard Adam is doing with his life right now. However, if he much cared, he wouldn't be doing it, so I hope their disgust twists into a dark form of disdain, particularly around the exact moment he gets caught and tries to beseech them for help.

Generally the primary concern of a robber is to not be identified. If you're going to hold a crime spree, it'd probably behoove you to do it in another town, or at least a part of the city you don't regularly visit. Not bold and defiant Adam, though. Not only did he decide that he was going to start robbing various convenience stores and small businesses in the same town he lives in, not only the same part of town that he lives in, but he decided that it would be wisest to rob the stores that he actually frequents, where people might recognize him to the point of being on a first-name basis with him. Not only that, but he robbed one store where he knew that a girl he went to high school with worked. Either he doesn't care, or he's just stupid; in either case, he's quickly climbing the rungs to the area's most inept criminal.

The other thing you think an armed robber would want to have on his side is some sort of armament, to intimidate the salesclerk into complying with your demands. Adam has been arming himself with a stick, later graduating to a knife. The first robbery, he was apparently unarmed, which leads me to suspect it must've gone something like this:
"Give me all your money!"
"Hurrrrr, ohkaaaay. . ."
Sorry, but how is anyone afraid of a knife or a stick or absolutely fucking nothing? If this kid crosses me, if not "dead or alive," he'd better be wanted at least "mangled or alive" because I don't play.

I could say that he won't be hitting any more local places with all the Wanted posters on the doors of local businesses, but if recognition was a primary concern, he wouldn't have hit places where he normally shops, or where people who went to school with him work. He also wouldn't have hit a couple of the same places more than once. I'm curious how the police haven't found him yet. They admittedly have a name, a face, and all sorts of leads, yet he's still at large. That's probably the most inane part of this whole situation — he's got to be one of the city's dumbest criminals, and he still hasn't been caught.

It'll only be a matter of time, though. He has to come out for food or smokes or beer or drugs at some point, and everyone in the two-state area knows his face and everything about him. It's not that difficult to spot the clown with teardrops tattooed on his eye and "Sheila" on his neck.


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