Sunday, April 08, 2007

Celebrating Zombie Jesus Day

Happy Zombie Jesus Day!

That is what I am going to say to people today to combat people who feed me the loathsome "Hippity-Hoppity Day" line like I'm two years old. I figure it'd be safer and ultimately more satisfying to rattle their delicate sensitivities with imagery of Jesus as a zombie than to beat them like the
Yellow Bastard at the end of Sin City. Technically, Jesus was a zombie, though, because He died and then came back to life. Another famous zombie I can think of off the top of my head is Vince Neil of Mötley Crüe. I'm sure there are others who have been clinically dead for at least several minutes and brought back to life through means other than
Re-Agent.

So happy Zombie Jesus Day! Let us celebrate through
ritualistic cannibalism.

Jesus H. Christ versus George W. Bush
I thought I'd celebrate Easter by comparing the Son of God with a man who seems to believe he's the Son of God. As you will be able to see, there are some ways that Jesus and Bush directly parallel each other, and other ways in which their views are quite divergent.

Jesus — The son of a perfect being delivered by an immaculate virgin.
Bush — The bastard son of a thousand maniacs. No, wait, that's Freddy Krueger. Eh well, same difference.

Jesus — Believed God spoke through Him. Without that, He couldn't do His job.
Bush — Believes God speaks through him. Without that, he couldn't do his job.

Jesus — 1/12 of his people turned on him.
Bush — Over 7/10 of his people turned on him.

Jesus — Loves his followers unconditionally and promises them eternal life in the pleasure epicenter of the universe.
Bush — Labels his followers as terrorist enemy combatants and sends them to an internment camp to be tortured to death.

Jesus — Was executed as a martyr to save humanity from their sins, then later resurrected and ascended to Heaven.
Bush — Choked on a pretzel.

Jesus — Determined to spread a new message of peace and love from his Father that had been misconstrued over time by the follies of humanity.
Bush — Determined to finish a war agenda set forth by his father that had been stalled over eight years by the follies of the Clinton Administration.

Jesus — Preached tolerance for others, even if you don't agree with their views.
Bush — Preaches that dissent is tantamount to terrorism.

Jesus —Tells us to love our fellow man.
Bush — Tells us that homosexuality is the primary thing destroying the prosperity of the nation.

Jesus — Forgives people of their sins and teaches them through example to live better lives.
Bush — Executes criminals with extreme prejudice.

Jesus — Said what he meant, did what he said, and did no wrong.
Bush — Promised government accountability yet defends the most corrupt administration in the history of the nation.

Jesus — Used by corrupt manipulators to forward a hidden, self-serving agenda.
Bush — Used by corrupt manipulators to forward a hidden, self-serving agenda.

Jesus — Whenever someone talks passionately about His affiliation, more open-minded people regard them as ignorant, simple and prejudiced hillibillies who shove their beliefs down others' throats without solicitation.
Bush — Whenever someone talks passionately about his affiliation, more open-minded people regard them as ignorant, simple and prejudiced hillibillies who shove their beliefs down others' throats without solicitation.

So as you can see, despite their many differences, Jesus and Bush do actually have some things in common.

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