Tuesday, March 13, 2007

More Musical Failure From MySpace

King $olomon "Ruler of the
Defining quote: "Type of label: None"

Apparently, King $olomon is not ruler of the character limit. Admittedly I don't know as much about rap as I should. It's probably because I don't much care about rap. I would probably care more if its purveyors didn't seemingly insist on turning its listeners into a giant group of impressionable, violent retards. So I'm forced to judge this guy based on primarily his lyrical content, and when he spouts off lines like "I'm eating up your crew and shitting out a candy bar," and "The way I'm heatin' up the kitchen, it's like I'm eatin' worms, shittin'," the prognosis is not too good. The best part about his song selection was the song that he rapped to the tune of the Beetlejuice score. I laughed all the way through it, even though I'm at least a little certain that wasn't his intent. Nothing says you're a badass like rapping to showtunes.

Final verdict: He does have decent flow and I can already hear all the impressionable retards out there in the make-believe land of Rapisreal proudly declaring themselves the Negaroh.


F A R T C O M I C S
Defining quote: "
F A R T C O M I C S has 1 friends."

Uuuuuhhhhhh... I don't know what to say about this artist. It's described as "emo / crunk / progressive" yet it sounds nothing like any of those categories. This includes "crunk" which isn't really even a music category, but a made-up word describing being drunk off of undetermined drugs beginning with the letter "c." Even knowing that, I would find it an insult to categorize this as "crunk." I would find it an insult to categorize this as "music." It sounds like a bad art show exhibit would sound if put to audio. I would call it an affront to music if I thought it was remotely music. If my CD player started making these sounds, I would assume the laser was destroyed.

Final verdict: If I have a choice between deciding whether something sucks due to poor recording equipment or due to lack of talent, I usually go with lack of talent as it's more likely the case with MySpace.


NOIR
Defining quote: "You ruined my fucking life. You ruined my fucking life. Why'd you ruin my life? Why'd you ruin my life? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why-hy? Why? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY? WHYYYYYYYYYYYY? WHYYYYYYYYYYY?"

I could make the ignorant observation that hardcore emo shit like this inspires impressionable teenagers to shoot down a school because their girlfriends break up with them. However, it's more to the point that impressionable teenagers shoot down a school because they're idiots, and the immature actions of their girlfriends have very little to do with it. Despite all the anger that this band wants to convey toward former lovers, anybody who takes violent hate music seriously doesn't deserve to be part of society anyway. What kids have to realize is that these modern nu-metal bands don't signify manliness and strength, they signify emasculation and weakness. You can yell and scream and stomp and hate all you want, but it just shows that you can't deal with any adversity in your life. Real adults get over it and move on. Grow up.

All that being said, their message of aggression and misdirected hate isn't why I thought this band was crap. They're actually quite musically adept. They're as musically adept as anything else you might hear on a modern rock radio station. In fact, they're so musically adept as anything else you might hear on a modern rock radio station that they have absolutely nothing to set them apart from anything else you might hear on a modern rock radio station. Which means that it's only a matter of time before a major label picks them up and they'll be one more band that people give a shit about for all of fifteen minutes with their big hit militaristic, hate-filled, nu-metal remake of a Cyndi Lauper song and won't remember the name of five years later. The reason I think they're crap is because they offer absolutely nothing to the music world that hasn't already been offered by a gamut of previously established, successful bands.

Final verdit: Thanks, but we already have a band that sounds exactly like Korn. It's called Korn.


Blood Moon Howlers

Ever wondered what would happen if you crossed Brian Setzer with Gravedigger? Ska is all right, I guess, if you realize it for what it is — a novelty act. It's fun to break out on occasion, but anyone who actually takes it seriously as lifestyle probably needs to be exterminated. This band has taken ska to a whole new level: Death ska. Music about horror movie icons set to a big band beat with downtuned guitars and a growling vocalist. I can't say it's not fun in an amusing, WTF sort of way, but standing next to acts like Squirrel Nut Zippers, it might leave the ska kids a tad befuddled.

Final verdict: Ten times more amusing than anything else ska has produced. It has my approval.


np: Doctor Butcher - "I Hate, You Hate — We All Hate!!"

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