Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Krispy Kreme Sucks

Anyone who knows me fairly well knows that I have an insatiable sweet tooth. My love of sugar stretches far beyond the point of rationality. Confections that might make normal people gag from sugar overdose I can consume like an inferno in a paper mill. Fudge isn't rich enough if I can't crunch the sugar in the mix. Divinities I can pop like Pez. Cake is one of the greatest inventions in all the history of mankind. The only reason I don't eat more of it is because it's too damned expensive. It's like they want you to only have cake on special occasions or something. Absurdity.

One of my primary hopes for the future is that, if I do inevitably develop diabetes, it is the kind where I require sugar to survive. Otherwise I'm fucked, but I'm not taking any chances. I'm loading up while I'm still diabetes-free.

All that being said, there are some sugar products I won't dare go near. One of these is anything that is covered in coconut shavings. Not only do I hate the taste of coconut, but the shavings feel like mealworms in my mouth. Not that I know what mealworms feel like in my mouth, having never knowingly come in contact with a mealworm, but the shavings feel like what I imagine a heaping helping of mealworms would feel like in my mouth. I will tolerate, out of begrudging necessity, JellyBelly's JBz coconut flavor in a variety pack, but that has enough chocolate to offset the coconut taste, and it doesn't actually contain "mealworm" shavings. Otherwise, coconut is out.

Another sugar product I am very peculiar about is the doughnut. Not due to any particular aversion to a type or flavor, save for the new trend developed by some retard who thought it was a cool idea to ruin a perfectly good doughnut with fucking coconut shavings, but purely as a matter of principle. One of the types of doughnuts that really bothers me is this new trend of putting fucking pudding in the middle of doughnuts and calling them "creme-filled." Granted, ideally, it's supposed to be custard, and it might be in your upscale, ritzy doughnut emporiums, such as New York, but I highly doubt a corporation as deviantly stingy as Wal-Mart is going to waste valuable dollars on actual custard when they can make industrial vats of vanilla pudding for mere pennies. They didn't get to be the number one top grossing company in all of the world by doing stupid things like putting actual custard in custard-filled doughnuts or
paying their employees for all the work required of them. Sorry, I grew up on creme-filled doughnuts that were actually filled with actual creme, not fucking pudding. If I want pudding, I'll eat a bowl of pudding, not a doughnut. Also, pie: I'm looking at you, too.

The one thing that I will absolutely not do, purely on a matter of utmost principle, is eat a Krispy Kreme doughnut. Okay, I've had some in the past, but it's been enough to know exactly what I'm missing (nothing) and to form a completely fair and absolutely unbiased opinion, which is that Krispy Kremes fucking suck!!!

That's not to say that they don't adequately perform the tasks generally assigned to the average doughnut, which is primarily to be made of bread and taste like sugar, but any human being who has a soul can't help but feel a small chunk of it being stripped away to Hell's foot locker every time they take a bite of one. Krispy Kreme is a prime example, both of the American Dream, and of every single thing that's wrong with the current modern American society.

I don't think the originators of Krispy Kreme intended for their product to serve as the blank face of a soulless breakfast pastry empire any more than Sam Walton expected Wal-Mart to sit on the right hand of Satan himself. They probably started out as a middle-aged mom-and-pop store with a secret recipe and were thrilled to death when enough people liked their product enough for them to become a franchise of two whole stores. Then somewhere along the line, a bunch of hot shot young upstart yuppie kids fresh out of college with business and marketing degrees saw the opportunity to turn a popular doughnut shop into an industry-dominating behemoth of corporate greed. Thus it wasn't long before Krispy Kreme became one more symbol of mass-marketed, mass-produced, overhyped product of the gullibility of middle America that is as devoid of originality or value as the souls who run the company.

You might argue that if Krispy Kreme is really so worthless, then why is it so popular? Is it really popular, though? Yeah, you can find boxes of them in a display case in most supermarkets, but you can find boxes of Hostess doughnuts there too, and I don't think anyone is foolish enough to compare the Hostess factory to a real, live, fresh bakery. Yeah, there are a lot of people who come into the store where I'm working now and see the display case full of doughnuts from a local bakery, Doughnut Delight, that says "Doughnut Delight" on both sides of the case, the top of the case, on the front doors of the case, and on the bags inside the case, and are thrilled to believe that these are Krispy Kremes. However, I have yet to see one single halfway intelligent person turn down the doughnuts because they're not Krispy Kremes. The only people I see who are so addicted to Krispy Kremes as to honestly believe that Krispy Kreme are actual doughnuts from an actual bakery and not shipped from a factory several states away are also people whose language consists of a cross between rap star, white trash, and retard. This indicates to me that they're not so much loyal to Krispy Kreme through any sort of personal preference, but because they honestly believe the same advertising about Krispy Kreme that tells them they're utterly worthless individuals if they don't own Starter jackets, Nike shoes, customized Cadillacs, Razor cell phones, iPods, and fake-diamond-studded, fake-gold tooth covers. Oh, and that Sean Combs is somehow a more impressive musician than, say, Bruce Dickinson or Luciano Pavarotti. In other words, they're complete idiots.

It's not that Krispy Kreme are better, it's that they have a much more effective marketing strategy, which it seems is primarily based on word-of-mouth and covetousness. The way I figure it, Krispy Kreme expands into new areas simply by not being there. Somehow the word starts circulating around the middle- to lower-middle-class areas that Krispy Kreme is the world's most superior doughnut, crafted by God Himself and delivered from God's Penis to your mouth on a golden cloud carried by a host of archangels. Divine, naked archangels of whatever sexual preference you have opted. You know, instead of crafted by a machine and delivered from a factory via a truck for your gullible ass to pay upwards of five dollars for a half-dozen. Since there are no actual Krispy Kremes in the area, the people decide that, although the doughnut shops in their town are good, their products are certainly not ejaculated by God Himself, so they start clamoring for a Krispy Kreme store in their town. Krispy Kreme swoops in to answer the beckoning call and quickly replaces a local doughnut bakery. Then the people start going to the Krispy Kreme store in droves only to discover that, not only are Krispy Kremes not that great, but they're actually not even as good as the shop that the Krispy Kreme replaced. Thus after a couple of years, the Krispy Kreme caves, leaving the town with one less doughnut shop. At least, that is what happened in my town.

I kind of hold Krispy Kreme and Starbucks in the same esteem in my mind because they are both the same type of bland, mass-produced, overhyped exemplars of homogenized corporate soullessness that is raping and destroying America. It's no longer a template for the American Dream, where any person can make a name for himself with enough hard work. It's a dark, distorted manipulation of the American Dream that requires not so much hard work as marketing analysis and doesn't benefit an entire community as much as it does a handful of select individuals who have taken their inflated salaries through the callous disregard of the people who have directly contributed to their success, both workers and customers. Just like I can in no way eat a Krispy Kreme and find a single thing that renders it outstanding, I have yet to try a single drink from any Starbucks that didn't taste like utter and complete shit. Here, I'm not using "shit" as a vulgar descriptor, I mean that it literally tastes like fecal matter smells. I've had very, very good designer coffees from a number of smaller bistros, and I didn't have to pay five bucks for what amounts to a shot, either.

So what, exactly, do I have against the actual Krispy Kreme doughnuts themselves that makes it impossible for me to overlook the destructive marketing techniques of the corporation as so many other people have and as I have with many other products that are also mass-produced and overhyped? Well, unlike a lot of other products and corporations that I do support out of preference, acceptance, or necessity, Krispy Kreme doughnuts offer me absolutely no incentive to support. Yes, they do serve their purpose as doughnuts, but if you've had one, you've had the next fifty bajillion. When you eat the exact same thing over and over again, it doesn't take long for it to get absurdly boring. When you compare Krispy Kreme to any other fairly competent doughnut manufacturer, that is where Krispy Kreme doughnuts fall flat.

I grew up on Dunkin' Donuts, which I guess you could kind of consider a predecessor to Krispy Kreme except that Dunkin' Donuts were made fresh at every location by human hands and not shat out of a machine then trucked to the shops, and that Dunkin' Donuts were absolutely superior to Krispy Kremes in every conceivable way. Compare, for instance, my favorite type of doughnut, the creme-filled doughnut:

Krispy Kreme — They make a ball of dough, bake it, stick a creme nozzle deep into the middle and give it one tiny doot of creme. You have to search for the creme inside a creme-filled Krispy Kreme doughnut, and more often than not you wind up unfulfilled once and if you actually find it.

Dunkin' Donuts — They make a ball of dough, bake it, cover it with powdered sugar, then stick a creme nozzle deep inside and give it so much creme that a dollop protrudes from the front. When you bite into the doughnut, the creme explodes out of the baked dough shell. There's probably more creme in a Dunkin' Donuts creme-filled doughnut than there is bread in a Krispy Kreme.
Now that is what I consider a creme-filled doughnut. Not this vanilla pudding crap that Wal-Mart and various other bakeries, particularly supermarkets, are putting in their doughnuts, and not the microscopic drops that Krispy Kreme seems to believe is sufficient. Yeah, I'm a little bitter because Krispy Kreme came into my town and drove Dunkin' Donuts out with its notoriety, then once people figured out just how badly Krispy Kreme sucked outright, they stopped going and now we don't have a Dunkin' Donuts or a Krispy Kreme, and most of the people want the fucking Dunkin' Donuts back. So yeah, my aversion to Krispy Kreme is based just a tad bit in bitterness. Nothing would please me more, in the breakfast pastry portion of my life, than to see the Krispy Kreme company dissolve and Dunkin' Donuts reclaim its rightful place on the throne.

Finally, the main selling point of Krispy Kreme is that if you put one of their glazed doughnuts in the microwave for approximately ten seconds, it will taste oven-fresh. You know what? ANY doughnut you put in the microwave for approximately ten to fifteen seconds will taste oven-fresh. It doesn't matter if it's from Krispy Kreme, a local bakery, or a supermarket. I've put stale doughnuts in the microwave and had them come out tasting oven-fresh. It's fucking grease, morons; it congeals and when you heat it, it liquefies and softens the dough.

Thus, everything about Krispy Kreme is a sham. If you still prefer Krispy Kremes over every other type of doughnut, you're either way too impressionable, insane, or an idiot. There is no logical argument that Krispy Kreme doesn't fucking suck outright.

np: Alanis Morissette - "21 Things That I Want In A Lover"


Anonymous Tina said...

Just curious but what bakery did KK replace locally?

10:53 AM  
Blogger Blozor said...

Sorry it took so long to get back to you on this. I've been a bit under the weather lately. They took over a local Dunkin' Donuts for a year or so and then went out of business as well. Pissed me off too because my wife at the time had never had a Dunkin' Donut and I was going to take her, but by then it was a fucking Krispy Kreme.

9:12 PM  
Anonymous Tina said...

Ah...thanks for your response (btw - hope you are feeling much better).

There used to be a DD on 18th Avenue years and years ago (now it's the Gyro place across from Whitey's). I haven't had a DD since that particular store closed - and that was a long time ago.

The only KK I know of locally is the one in Davenport.

You're right - DD really is the best.

5:10 PM  

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