Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Describing Bands Obtusely

I found a fascinating thread on SomethingAwful's weekly forum roundup: "Let's Describe Bands Obtusely!" Although some posters didn't quite get it, the idea is to describe the sound of a band in a vague way, as if you're describing it to someone who has never heard music and has no idea what music is. So you can't say that Band X sounds like X Band on acid or whatever. You have to give a more visual concept. I'll post some of my favorites from the thread and then enter a few of my own. I would say I'm too cheap to be a SomethingAwful forum member, but it would be closer to the point that I hate the UBB style and don't want to sign up for a forum that I would rarely post in. Instead, I'm content to steal their ideas and list my entries here on my blog so Rich Kyanka can hate me.
The Flaming Lips: The Muppet Babies are trapped in a collapsed mine shaft and decide to pass away their remaining hours they only way they know how: with the power of their imagination. Although they're quickly becoming a bit loopy due to a buildup of gases, and they can never fully erase their fate from their minds, it's still a very enjoyable time!

Tori Amos: Your girlfriend's kind of annoying and needy and not really a very good lay, but she's got red hair and you think that makes her at least a little special. You're scared to leave her because you're vaguely convinced you would be missing out on something or giving up some kind of cool and weird artistic life dimly hinted at in the dreamy-eyed notes she sometimes leaves for you, even though all you actually do together is watch movies and argue.

Nine Inch Nails: After finding out your mom killed your father, you go to tell your friend about it. He listens for a while, and when you wait for the sympathetic pat on the back he punches you in the mouth and steals your ipod. It's then you realize you have some gangrene on your nipples and you're pissing live cockroaches. You're wife/girlfriend comes by and says she can cure you of the bug pissing problem and the gangrene, but instead takes a huge dump in your eye and stabs you in the toe with an HIV infected needle. You reach over, grab a pen and paper, and write a song about it.

Fiona Apple: You talk to the girl you always find crying on the steps at the high school. She's going to dump you because you're too much of a pussy.

Blue Man Group: Primates discover tools... then LSD, then figure out 2+2=5.

David Bowie: An amnesiac alien crash lands in London. His ship throws him through the windshield, and he flies full force through a strip mall, going first through a fabric store, then an Avon center, and finally landing in a music shop, falling at the feet of a piano. As he pulls himself up, his fingers push down the keys of the piano, and the chords conjure faint images of youth and sex on his homeworld. Enthralled by this vision, he tries to make it a reality for his new location, and in doing so inadvertantly acheives his forgotten primary objective, to take over the world.

Bob Dylan: Prometheus climbs back down with his armful of fire, momentarily considers giving it all to the people, but instead holds back the best part, eats it, and writes songs about it.

Metallica: That long-haired creep who was loving your stepsister in the basement 20 years ago settled down with her, moved to the upscale part of town, and is eyeing a position as senior financial advisor at his Wells Fargo Branch. You don't go to their barbeques because all he ever talks about is AA and how great he is at coaching his kids' soccer team.

Rage Against The Machine: Your 13 year old brother falls madly in love with Che Guevara and won't stop screaming at you about it. He eventually gets very rich off of it, in a fashion that parallels the principles he speaks out against.

Tool: A Buddhist monk shows up to a college frat party on open mic night very drunk and very, very stoned.

Ayreon: The tallest Finn in the world has a series of out-of-this-world adventures. Sometimes he brings his friends!

Pain of Salvation: A movie without pictures.

Genesis: What happens when a brilliant student loses motivation to do anything while learning nothing spending six hours a day at a struggling public school.

King Crimson: It is the future. Unfortunetly, you are illegal. Giant dragonflies are overhead. This is no good.
And my favorite:
Killing Joke: A madman on the street corner screams and rants that The End is Near. You won't listen, and he's so desperate to get the message across that he starts slamming a chainsaw into a pile of dustbins, hoping to get your attention.
Fuck, I'll never think of Killing Joke again without associating them with chainsaws slamming into dustbins. Thanks. And now, here are some of my own that I came up with at work last night:

Justin Timberlake: A really wussy metrosexual who constantly whines about how irresistably sexy he is to women and how hot the women he gets to bang are.

Dead Soul Tribe: Aimlessly drifting through an ethereal world inhabited by the restless spirits of the world's greatest philosophers. Sometimes they're angry, but mostly they're confused and anguished.

KMFDM: You wake up in a future world ruled by a totalitarian, militaristic overlord, and you're pissed as fuck. You grab a club and start stomping heads until you hijack a tank and really start ruining their shit.

Guns 'N' Roses: You're in L.A., asshole deep in money, booze, narcotics, and supermodels, yet you're so pissed off all the time that all you want to do is throw priceless vases against the wall just to watch them break.

Deep Purple: Medieval knights are transported to the 20th Century. With no enemies to fight, they discover that they rather enjoy sex, booze, sex, muscle cars, sex, sex, and also sex. Lots of it.

Devin Townsend Band: Someone enraged the science nerd and now he's shouting about quantum physics in computer language.

KORN: You picked on me in high school and now I'm going to kill you. I would say sorry about all that, but I'm really not.

Public Enemy: A clown stumbles through a political protest rally and gets more attention than the prolific guest speaker.

Sean Combs: A curly moustache painted onto the Mona Lisa being paraded as a new and original work of art. It takes more than five different artists to paint the moustache.

The Gathering: A lucid dream about ballroom dancing with a tranquil goddess in a forest at night during an earthquake, periodically interrupted by the snooze alarm.

Type O Negative: The Biblical Apocalypse occurs at midnight on Halloween, only everything's moving at half-speed.

Simple Minds: The antithesis of depression.

Stabbing Westward: She left me and utterly destroyed my heart, but I still want her back. Why do I want her back? Why do I love her? What the fuck is wrong with me? She's a bitch, yet I can't get over her. This is pissing me off. I'm going to shout about it for a while. . . . Whoop, I found someone else. I'm happy now. Goodbye.

Feel free to steal this meme from me, (since I stole it in the first place), and come up with your own obtuse band descriptions. I know there are at least a few music fans on my LiveJournal Friends List. Also, it's okay to reinterpret an artist already listed, since we all interpret music in our own special ways.

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