Sunday, March 04, 2007

Anonymous Letters To Past Selves, Part 2

Here is Part 2 of Anonymous Letters To Past Selves, a collection of postings from a forum thread dealing with people anonymously discussing past regrets by writing hypothetical letters to their former selves warning them of dangers and missed opportunities. It's fascinating to me to read some of the sometimes shocking and sometimes all-too-familiar errors people have made. I've tried to eliminate the obviously fake, sarcastic, or trolling posts to present what I felt are the more sincere deep, dark secrets that might otherwise never see the light of day if not for the total anonymity of this particular forum. Some of these selections are shocking, some are even depressing, and some are completely uplifting, but all of them share one common theme above all else — that no matter how bad our mistakes and regrets seem to be, somehow we survive. That is the indomitability of the human spirit. OK Go.


Seriously though guys, if you saw your younger self, what would you do/say to him?

I'd probably kick my junior doppelganger in the teeth for ruining my life.


Dear me:

You will have sexual dreams that will greatly affect your fantasies throughout your adolescent years. IGNORE THEM, or else you will turn into Freud's poster child, think you are bisexual, and believe you like bondage. You don't.


Dear younger me,

Die young. Trust me, you thought school was a pain in the ass? Try paying bills you little asshole! Also, depending on whether this gets there early enough, stop being such a pussy! Principles or not, that girl picked a fight with YOU! Kick her ass back to her EZ Bake oven!


Dear slightly younger me (age 16)

When that one guy from your science class comes up and asks you to come over to "help with science homework" fucking do it. He becomes a TOTAL hottie in a few years. BEFRIEND HIM.


Dear younger me,

Don't eat so much in the summer between 4th and 5th grade, and tell your parents to stop making you take drugs, they fuck you up.

Friends are hard to find but just stick it out and they will come soon enough.Don't play truth or dare and have dry sex with a cat. You'll get shit for it later.

Work out with those 5 lb weights bought more, you will thank yourself later in middle school.

Don't freak the fuck out at the end of wrestling season 7th grade, just take a few deep breaths and don't bring that gun. Try out next year and work hard.

Sincerely, yourself as a senior in high school


Dear Younger Me:

Short airline stocks on Sept 10th, 2001. Just trust me on this.


Dear Younger Self,

A few things to start with

* You'll get taken to the art gallery, there you will keep playing with the escalator and you end up gripping the automated handrail on the wrong side. You don't let go and are lifted up two floors to drop into an inch-deep water display below, soaking priceless art right before running out of the gallery. On second thought, disregard that, it was awesome.

* Don't try to fit in with the popular kids, no matter how tempting it seems. In fact, be an asshole to them.

Let's see.... Don't cry, for fuck's sake. Stop crying about everything that happens to you. Although you'll stop anyway at about the age of 10, it'd help if you stopped now. In your prominent years of primary school (grades 4 to 7) you're going to act like a total retard and a dickhead, effectively distancing everyone. Now this is good, but a more effective way that doesn't damage us later on is to just sit in the corner really quite and not talk to anyone, k? K. Don't worry about trying to make friends in year 4 to 7, because they all suck and you'll never meet them again. If a girl called Tash Hogan comes to the school, tell her Dad actually died from AIDS from fucking too many dirty women in the ass, not cancer. (This is extremely important.) Then ignore for the rest of the year.

You'll end up doing a lot of stupid shit, which is definitely too long to list, but you're going to end up suffering the consequences, so think about what you're doing first, please.

When you get to high school there will be some kid who looks like a faggot claiming he plays counter-strike and whatnot, and he will be your friend for a few days. Soon his friends will move in, they're cool people, like me now, but they'll try to poison your thoughts about faggot-counter-strike-kid, stay friends with all of them but ignore what they say about him. (This is due to that fact you end up threatening to kill his family, which apparently he can't handle, so he tells his parents. One thing leads to another and you get put on a register preventing from attending any prominent educational facilities beyond compulsory schooling, big problem there). Don't be afraid to talk to girls, don't be afraid of seniors, and just stick through it. From there it's clear cruising and if you have done this successfully you will have a great job and a beautiful wife, rather than staying in a very small, overpriced apartment masturbating to videos of French popstar Alizee.



Stop worrying about what people think of you all the time. You're not God, you can't control people's opinions. Just be yourself and have fun. If someone doesn't like you, it's their fucking problem.

Another chick to stay away from is Rebecca. You would find out she's a total whore anyway, so I'm sparing you the pain of rejection and manipulation. There are a whole bunch of girls to stay away from, now that I think about it. Basically, just stay any girls in secondary school. They'll be more trouble than they're ever worth.

Stick with the music, keep up the drumming and learn to play guitar at least a year before you're 18. We're good now, but imagine the difference a year or two would make. Especially finger-picking!

You have Asperger's syndrome. You're not stupid, and you're not a weirdo. You just think outside the box a little more. Don't worry; you'll be just fine.

Get into Manga and Anime earlier. You'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner. :)

I recommend waiting a year or 2 more before you start discovering sex. You'll be too young to understand it fully, and you'll screw yourself up by making a terrible mistake.

These aren't in any order, but just trust me on them. With luck, you will save yourself the regrets I have, and although we're both good people, we'll have fewer issues in the future. :)

Look after yourself, kid.

Older you


Dear Young Me (age 5),
Don't fool around with your sister, it will fuck everything up in amazing, horrible ways. It is really not worth it, and every time you try it, you will get caught, either by Mom or Ryan. And then your parents will be all paranoid and you will never get to leave the house.

Dear Young Me (age 7),
Start exercising now. Quit the fucking Cub Scouts, they will just fuck you up for life. It's not cool, no one thinks it's cool or even neat that you're in it. Just fucking quit.

Keep taking piano lessons. If you stop, you will be horrible later, when you want to be amazing and impress the shit out of people. Also, in a few years when you want to learn to play the guitar, do it. It will serve you extremely well later. Also, God doesn't exist and you will realize this in a few years on your own, but if you realize it now, it will save you a lot of awkwardness and embarrassment in high school.

Dear Slightly Less Young Me (age 15),
You know that high school that mom and dad want you to go to? Far, far away, in that tiny, tiny town? Go there. And WORK YOUR ASS OFF. Don't fucking slack off.

Dear Awkward Me (age 16),
You're going to meet this girl named Laura, and you'll think she's really cool and she is, but she's a fucking cocktease. Even though Jessica is not as good-looking, she is so much better, and you will be so much more satisfied with her.

All your friends will pretty much forget about you when you don't go to LSU with them. Go to Tech anyway. You will hate it, but dear God you will thank me later. You'll hate yourself for the first year of college, but you'll get used to it, and eventually enjoy.

Brad's going to die of alcohol poisoning two years out of high school. Enjoy your time with him, and go to the funeral. I was stupid not to. It is not too hard for you to make it.

Also, you will graduate, but barely. WORK HARDER, MOTHERFUCKER.

Dear College Me (age 17),
Wake up for your final. Life will be so much easier and you won't want to kill yourself as often.

Talk to Jessica as often as possible. Tell her how you feel about her. She's hooking up with guys that are not going to be right for her. Tell her how you feel. You may not get many more chances.

Don't start smoking cigarettes. You'll never get off them, no matter how hard you try. Just smoke more pot.

Rusty's not as cool as he seems. In fact, he's nothing but a gigantic cocksucking douchebag. Duncan is just a loser who can't take responsibility for himself. Find better friends and don't move in with Duncan. He's nothing but a loser and he will bring your grades down. You don't need that. Don't lose TOPS and your scholarship. You'll just get private loans and you don't want that.

When mom and dad find out you're not a Christian anymore, they're going to throw you out. Don't stress, you'll have a lot of friends who will take you in for the holidays.

I know none of this makes sense right now, but it will. If you do everything I've told you, you'll live a much happier, healthier life and you won't try to kill yourself twice.

Have a good life, me.
--Older Me.


np: VAST - "Blue"


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