Saturday, February 03, 2007


I am a murderer.

You are a murderer, too.

Your parents are murderers. Your children are murderers. Your unborn children, once born, will be murderers. Your doctor is a murderer. Your pastor or priest is a muderer. That little old lady you helped across the street the other day? Muderer. Your pets are murderers. Your favorite celebrities are all murderers. Justin Timberlake, Beyonce Knowles, Johnny Depp — murderers. Pope Grand Poobah XIV, (or whatever his name is), murderer. George W. Bush, murderer. Jesus Christ, murderer.

You're probably wondering at this point how I can make such an outrageous claim. The truth is that I'm not making the claim. Our various political and religious leaders, who routinely form the convictions by which they govern our lives with little regard to factual knowledge, scientific evidence, or common sense, are making this claim.

You see, they argue that human life begins at conception and to terminate any mass of cells after that point is equivalent to murder. This is despite the fact that, allowing for variances, the mass of cells, for up to five weeks after the point of conception, have formed absolutely nothing that would qualify it as an actual human being. It is at this point just a mass of cells with the potential of later becoming a human being.

So what we have here is the argument that terminating a mass of cells is the equivalent of murder. This is where a real crisis of conscience comes into play: Our bodies are terminating masses of cells all the time. Dry skin is thousands of terminated human cells. Every time a hair drops from our heads, there goes millions of cells. Every time we scratch an itch, we are muderering, essentially, the same thing that gets murdered when we, say, take the morning after pill. Every time our doctor gives us a prescription to help recover from a viral or bacterial infection, he is effectively murdering those infectuous cells. Every time the doctor removes or radiates a collection of cancerous cells, that doctor is murdering those cells.

"But," you may argue, "those are just cells! They aren't cells that have the potential to one day become an independent human life, and are therefore worthless commodities to be terminated solely for the sake of our comfort and pleasure without any remorse or conscience!" Okay, fine. Let's talk specifically about the ways in which every single one of us commits genocide against our own species every single day of our lives.

Here, we're thinking specifically of cells that have the potential to one day become a human life, right? That would be the potential fetus, wouldn't it? Not necessarily. You see, don't the embryos inside the women and the sperm inside the men also count as cells that have the potential to one day become a human life? So, aren't women mudering every single time they go through their menstrual cycle? Aren't men murdering every time they masturbate, or involuntarily emit excess, unused sperm cells through noctournal releases or other methods? When fertility clinics dispose of unused frozen embryos, should we hold them accountable for their crimes? Should we be convicting every woman whose body involuntarily rejects an unborn fetus through miscarriage?

"Okay," you argue, "you're being completely facetious, and if you don't say something that remotely makes sense RIGHT NOW, I'm going to stop reading!" Okay, except in extreme circumstances such as depicted in Jurassic Park and The Holy Bible, we have established that embryos and sperm cells, by themselves, are not enough to spontaneously generate new life. These two generally have to be combined to generate a new life. So whenever we're not combining a sperm cell with an egg cell, we are destroying the potential to form a new life. Which means that by simply not fucking, we are murdering. Millions.

Women, you have a grace period of about eleven or twelve months. Men, however, you have better be sticking it in another hole as soon as you pull it out of one. Every time you pause to work, eat, pass out from exhaustion, watch the game, or not be in the mood, it is a blight upon your eternal soul. Every time a woman rejects a man's advances, she is mudering the potential for a new human life, so women: Do your part and stop rejecting men who are attracted to you. Open those legs. Don't even bother leaving the bar first. Every second counts. There's only six billion human beings left on the planet — we could go extinct at any moment. Christians: What the fuck do you think you're doing with all this abstinence bullshit? When you abstain from sex, you are murdering your potential offspring. Stop going to church and start fucking to save your eternal souls. In fact, fuck right in the church. It's the only path to righteousness.

Okay, I'm not necessarily pro-choice or pro-life. I just found it amusing to use the pro-lifers' primary argument against them. This is what can happen when you base your convictions more on your own fanciful, utopian vision than on actual scientific fact. The fact is that not every sperm and egg combination is going to result in a human life. The fact is that not every human life, upon conception, is not going to carry through to a birth. The fact is that a mass of cells with out a brain or heart, (the first two organs to form in a fetus), is simply nothing more than a mass of cells, and the fact is that they don't begin to evolve until at least the third, but more generally the fifth or even seventh, week of the fetus' development. If you want to judge the beginning of a life at the potential for that life, then every single human being was a born murderer because every single day we have the potential to create a life yet we rarely act on it.

Rush - "Test For Echo"


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