Friday, February 09, 2007

More Exciting Deaths For Anna Nicole Smith

Yesterday, a shocked world mourned the tragic passing of a beloved celebrity when news erupted throught the media circuits that Anna Nicole Smith suddenly dropped dead of undetermined causes. As one CNN reporter stated about her death, "This is certainly an unexpected and very tragic turn of events for Anna Nicole Smith." No fucking duh her own death a tragic turn of events for her.

Okay, so though unexpected, the world really didn't react with much concern at all. In fact, most of the world who happened to recall that she did, in fact, at one time exist pretty much made fun of her. This is pretty much what you get after achieving largely undeserved notoriety resulting from a life of profesional and personal vapidity. Although following her death, many news outlets have been scraping the bottom of the platitude barrel to make her out to be something far greater than she actually was, the nicest thing most people would have said about her the previous day was that they'd hope that, if Anna Nicole Smith were to die, she would at least take Paris Hilton to the grave with her.

The thing is that, unlike John F. Kennedy, Jr., Marilyn Monroe, Gerald Ford or the World Trade Center, Anna Nicole Smith's death just wasn't that captivating. She collapsed for reasons as yet undetermined (drugs). Much like her acting career and short-lived reality show, her death was rather banal. For the amount of media attention her death has received, though, you'd think it would be at all interesting. So I've thought of some possibilities that would have made her death far more noteworthy.
— Bizarre Trim Spa complications
— Shot by counterterrorism operatives following the announcement of breast augmentation with injections of C4 explosives
— The universe naturally corrects an accident of birth
— Marries a younger man and is killed for the inheritance
— Implosion
— Interrogated at Guantanamo Bay and turns out to not really have any connections to terrorist cells
— Forced to watch episodes of own reality show continually until will to live completely dissolves. Two episodes in, dead.
— In a fight to the death with Paris Hilton, falls off roof of skyscraper, taking Paris Hilton down with her
— Holds breath until anyone, anywhere, gives a shit
— Satan collects on deal early, citing waste of fame
— Multiple STDs combine and overtake body
— Smuggling top secret plans out of the Kremlin to ensure glorious American Cold War victory
— Reprocussions from starring in a really, really low-budget softcore suspense film
— Mauled by geese
— Appears on brand new game show, Methamphetamines for Money
— Kidnapped by female astronaut who drove 900 miles in an adult diaper in a fit of jealousy
— Proves once and for all that the human body can truly not sustain itself on a diet of nothing more than lettuce and ephedrine
— Swallowed whole by carniverous horse
— Knew too much; went too far
— Jumped in the path of Divine Intervention intended for Tommy Lee
— Ceases to generate energy from the nuclear fusion of atoms at core and collapses under the force of own gravity
— Ascends to Heaven after Earthly work has been completed
— Poachers
— Jumped on the death fad before fully weighing the consequences
— Incinerated by malicious extraterrestrials
— Lungs suffocated under the force of their own weight
— Game of slow-motion finger-pistols gone horribly wrong
np: Bruce Dickinson - "Chemical Wedding"


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