Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Idiocratic Rule

So I finally got my lazy ass around to renting and watching Mike Judge's Idiocracy. I guess it goes without saying that I enjoyed it. As a Joe "Not Sure" Bowers myself, this movie doesn't so much reinforce my status in life as it does accurately document and depict it. It's not easy being a person who demands from himself and society in general a higher plane of conscious thought when it would be so much easier to just shut down and be carried away with the overwhelming tide of stupidity. It's difficult to succeed as a rational and philosophical person when the current power structures pander to the wanton self-indulgence of imbeciles.

Yet, paradoxically, if I woke up and discovered that it was now five hundred years into the future, I don't think I would have too much trouble learning the ropes and fitting in with even the form of society portrayed in the movie. At that point, it would become a matter of adaptation for survival. Obviously Joe Bowers either didn't want to adapt or couldn't, which either way could speak volumes for his own intelligence. If I were suddenly confronted with a society where the language consisted of pidgin and accomplishment was measured in the attainment of food and porn, I think I could not only adapt, but do quite well.

The language barrier would be the easiest for me to break, because it has never been a problem for me to adapt to an accent. Drop me in the South and I'll be talking like a Southerner in less than a week. I can't watch a movie with a distinctively voiced actor featured prominently without talking like him afterward. So I think I could effectively learn pidgin. As far as acquiring money, if as a person of a comparatively higher and more cunning intellect, I couldn't fool the idiots out of it, I could just kick the person in the balls and take it. When the cops came, I could kick them in the balls. The society in Idiocracy loved seeing other people being kicked in the balls; it doesn't matter who it is, everyone around would just laugh, including the other cops. By the time the victim recovered, I would either be gone or I would just appeal to his lack of attention span with a shiny object. I mean, Christ, Joe Bowers, it's not that difficult to succeed when the IQ test consists of putting a square peg in a square slot and 100% of society still fails it.

One glaring flaw in the movie is that Mike Judge gave a generous estimate of five hundred years for society reaching the point where every human being is either a stark, raving idiot, or dead. At the rate that intelligent society is crumbling down around the feet of the unwashed masses, I wouldn't put it further out than one hundred years. Maybe fifty. Already we're living in a time where the opinions of the ignorant are given more weight than that of the enlightened, particularly because the ignorant have shorter tempers and use larger clubs. If the politicians aren't pandering to people's growing lack of common sense by trying to protect them from themselves, the judicial system is busy rewarding people for their stupidity. We have elected a President who comes from one of the most morally bankrupt families in the history of America and who can't string together a sentence like he has brain one in his fucking head, and after he utterly failed as a leader beyond the shadow of a doubt, our dumb asses elected him for a second term. Sometimes, it's enough to make one wonder if we even deserve to have a future.

Surely Mike Judge realized that we're standing at an intellectual crossroads. One future has humanity elevated to an increasingly enlightened, utopian vision, and at the other end of the spectrum holds every single member of society as either Beavis or Butt-head. There is a third, middle-ground option, where we'll keep going the way we have been, with the intelligent continually butting heads with the stupid, but that can only last so long. It's like trying to hold back a tidal wave with only your iron will at your disposal. Eventually, it gets tiring, and the wave inevitably wins.

Here are a few things we as a society can do right now to try to stave off the landfill avalanches that await us, based on the evidence I have gathered from Idiocracy:

1) Stop naming your babies after commercial products. Yes, I know car names sound pretty. They're designed to sound pretty, to appeal to idiotic fuckwads like you who buy cars because the names sound pretty. When you introduce your children as Chrysler LeBaron, Prell, and Turbotax, it only makes you look seven shades of retarded.

Likewise, and again, I don't care how pretty the name sounds, DO NOT name your child Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Syphilis, Hepatitus, Shigella, Giardia, or anything else that the gynecologist diagnosed you with when he confirmed your pregnancy. It doesn't matter that you don't know what those words mean, the rest of the world does, and when you christen your children with them, they pretty much all mean that you're an idiot.

And don't name your child Christen, unless you want me to break it against the bow of a ship someday. These are things you shouldn't have to be told. Buy a fucking dictionary. The worst time for you to find out what any of these words mean is when your mortified child returns home from their first day of junior high.

Finally I'd advise against naming your child against anyone whose mouth, at rest, dangles open and who is dramatically opposed to bathing. Names like Cletus, Duke, Rex, Bo, and Junior are definitely out. For girls, try avoiding naming them after the family dog or anyone whose name you came across on the front cover of a porno box. Don't pop them out of the birth canal with one foot already firmly planted in the porn industry, even if being treated like a cheap whore for $200 a film really would make her the most successful person in your family going back generations, many of whom she's probably had relations with. You know, for practice.

2) Sex is a pleasure, at most a vice. It is not a respectable ambition. Stop wasting your hard-earned money solely on the music, movies, and reading material with the prettiest and most scantly-clad women on the covers. You can get pictures of women in lingerie, or less, on the Internet for free. It's never been hard, but ever since Google created an Image Search function, a blind and deaf monkey could do it by pounding out gibberish on the keyboard with the back of its hand and accidentally hitting "enter" halfway through. If you're going to buy a CD, movie, or magazine, do it for stimulating information that is going to challenge your shallow world-view, not because the babe on the cover has big "bazoongas." Moron.

3) Don't believe advertising. Advertising is designed to appeal to you specifically by assuming you're an idiot. If you like something, buy it, but don't buy something because a television commercial tells you that you should. The main job of a marketer is to move a product in the largest possible quantity to the largest possible demographic. To do this, they will rely heavily on three main tactics: lying to you, not telling you anything about the product, and emphasizing the significance of completely insignificant buzz words. Certs did this years back with Retsyn. Everybody went into a jackinape frenzy to ensure that their breath mints had Retsyn in them, and it turned out, years later, that every breath mint had Retsyn in it, because Retzin was a word that Certs made up to describe cottonseed oil and flavoring. The only thing Certs did to their Retsyn was add copper gluconate to give their mints specks. That's right. You fucking dipshits were obsessed with making sure your breath mints had specks, solely because marketers told you they were important.

The main catchword that was emphasized in Idiocracy is one that is enjoying a broad appeal right now, "electrolytes." This is hyped by sports drink manufacturers who have been exaggerating the importance of electrolytes in our diet. Listen: Electrolytes are for dehydration only. Going to the gym does not deplete your body of electrolytes. Being thirsty for Gatorade does not deplete your body of electrolytes. If you lead an average life and maybe visit the gym for an hour or so a day, you are not at serious risk of the depletion of electrolytes. You get plenty of those chemicals just from eating. Don't believe everything you see on TV. Do some research. That's what Wikipedia and the common sense God gave you are fucking for.

4) When you argue against all reason for your perceived right to entitlement against someone who is obviously so your complete intellectual superior, and that person you're arguing against a) sighs, b) rolls eyes, c) pinches the bridge of the nose, d) rubs temples, or e) restrains from punching you in the teeth, before giving you what you want just to shut your selfish ass up and get you to move your temper tantrum to someone else's jurisdiction, it does not mean you won the argument, and it by no means makes you right or justified. It just means you were too big a pain in the ass for anyone else to tolerate. Congratulations, by the grace of an amazingly benevolent God you managed to confront someone too compassionate to put a bullet in your head, and you were thus able to stupid your way to triumph. Next time, luck my run you across someone who believes the most beneficial course of action for both yourself and society in general involves your sudden and unexplained demise.

5) People who are able to effectively manipulate words with more than three syllables in spontaneous conversation are your intellectual superiors. It doesn't matter that it makes them sound "gay," because you know what? "Gay" is a one-syllable word, you fucking cretin.

6) Finally, if you watch this movie, and I highly encourage that you do, and you find yourself identifying with any of the characters besides Joe Bowers, do the entire world a favor and shoot yourself directly in the balls. Don't worry, it will be funny, because people getting hurt in the balls is funny.

np: Simple Minds - "Celtic Strings"

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