Sunday, February 04, 2007

Customer Or Criminal?

When you watch any gritty crime drama on TV, the psychotic serial killer is always depicted as some slime-encrusted, greasy sleazeball with stringy, long hair, a gaunt and bony face, possibly a whispy moustache, clothes stained with food, dirt, oil, blood, urine, and semen, and an anxious or irritable demeanor. This describes probably ninety percet of the people who wander into the store where I work, and this could range from trailer park trash to gang-banging hoodlums to upper middle-class factory workers and company executives. Apparently either these people have no idea that they look like serial rapists and psychotic stalkers, or they watch Cops and think, "Hey, that guy running from his meth lab in a tank top and boxer shorts is quite the snazzy dresser!" Either way, there's a part of me that has an almost overwhelming urge, for the betterment of these people's lives, to grab the collars of their grime-infested shirts, pull them over the counter and shout: "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU FUCKING LOOK LIKE?!? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, BATHE!!" Then burn my hands down to the wrists immediately afterwards.

After discovering the wonderful pictures hosted at a mugshots website, I decided to do a comparison between wanted and convicted felons and the hopefully upstanding but ultimately oblivious patrons of my store. It's sad when I can flip through a series of mugshots and be able to associate the faces with what their possibly slightly more virtuous counterparts would typically do or want in the store. It's hard to profile the criminal element when fucking everybody who walks through the door looks like a potential psychopath.


Here's a typical guy I could see during the morning rush of people on their way to work. This guy could be any number of factory workers who happen through for their morning cup of coffee. He happens to be a serial rapist.


This meth-head looks almost exactly like a woman who comes in late at night on the weekends and has to ask, every single time, where we keep the condoms, as if there was any possible way I would ever want to picture her fucking. This girl is far, far prettier than the woman I'm thinking of, though; there's just a passing resemblance.


This guy looks like the type of white guy who comes in to buy hollow cigarillo tubes. This guy, in particular, is a stalker who would break into women's homes and do creepy things to them like apply baby oil in their sleep.


This kid's life ambition is apparently to become a serial killer. However, he looks exactly like any number of high school seniors / college freshmen who come in to buy a couple Red Bulls and a pack of condoms — with their boyfriends.


This is the type of guy who randomly stops in for a cigar and a pint of ice cream at three in the morning in the dead of winter.


"A pack of your cheapest cigarettes, three Grape Swishers, a cubic fuckton of Everclear, lots of condoms, and the remaining 73 cents in gas, please."


This guy was in jail on a count of second-degree murder, and as a grand declaration of his innocence, he stabbed the guy in the next cell in the face with a pencil. This looks the kind of guy who wanders around the store aimlessly for twenty minutes muttering and chuckling to himself and ends up buying a 69-cent cigarillo. If you're going to waste my time, at least make it worth my while.


This guy looks like the type who buys two tall boys of Bud Light and tries to pay with a $100 bill, then pretends to not understand why that would be a problem. What the fuck? You're a retard for showing off a bunch of large bills at night anyway. Get twenties and maybe you can actually buy stuff with them, loser. Either you're a gang-banging thug, or you have common sense. Time to make a choice that will affect the rest of your life.


This looks like the kind of girl who will announce that she's pregnant and then order a pack of Camel Lights and a cigarillo before starting her shift at the nearest Hy-Vee. Congratulations. Hope your kid likes emphysema, because that might be the only gift you'll ever give it.


When a white guy looks like this, nine out of ten he's either a skinhead or pretending to be a black guy. There's no in-between with these fuckwits. There's a third option, though, that he's Justin Timberlake, but that would just make him a whiny, possibly gay wanna-be black guy.

I had to throw this guy in, just for fun:

It looks like, in an attempt to make himself more appealing, he's on the right path to becoming an Asian theater clown.

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