Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Quote Roundup #8

Time to empty out the quote bin...

"You might not have the luxury of simply waiting for such moments to happen; you might starve to death if you just sit in your room, pen in hand, waiting for a woman to walk in and pee all over the place." — Dr. David Thorpe,
Poetry Made Easy: Volume One

"How like the sloth is love, a thing of mossy languor. So seldom glimpsed, and never understood, it emerges twice yearly from the canopy to forage and defecate." — Dr. David Thorpe,
Poetry Made Easy: Volume One

"I don't think you understand evolution, you dumb creationist. Horses did not evolve from oats they evolved from ponies. Simple organisms evolve into more complex ones. Ponies are simpler than horses." — Josh Boruff,
Daily Dirt: December 27, 2006

"I'm the kind of sorry that isn't. You know, the kind were you apologize in a condecending tone towards an emotionally and mentally challenged person in denial because you made a logical comment and it blew their complete psyche to pieces." — Anonymous on /b/

— I just thought of this one day. It's stupid, I know.

"I pity the future!" — Mr. T,
Alien Loves Predator

"The length of a checkout line in a grocery store is directly proportional to the total IQ of all people in that line." — Rich Kyanka,
Hogosphere: Check Me Out!

"If you're still using checks in public stores then you're either elderly or brain damaged or possibly a combination of both." — Rich Kyanka,
Hogosphere: Check Me Out!

"Natasha Bedingfield’s mental impotence is not interesting to me, and neither is her music, which is 100% production and 0% not crap." — David Thorpe,
2006 World's Greatest Dad Awards

"My loins never need 'getting ready.' What am I, a woman?" — Abe,
Alien Loves Predator

"Dissent is only destructive to power. Obedience, on the other hand, is deadly." — me,

"I had drapetomania once, but then I got cats and found it wiser to switch to vertical blinds." — me,

"I had a hysterectomy — I don't go into hysterics anymore." — me,

"Crying hysterically or laughing hysterically, both tend to look the same, and either typically leaves you feeling the same afterward." — me,

"There's more than one way to look like an idiot. Let us count." — me,
Body Modification Slogans

"Let's follow the advice of the self-made eunuch with twelve-gauge holes in his ears and metal spikes implanted along his forehead. He seems like a sane, rational young man on the path to success." — me,
Body Modification Slogans

"There's a fine line between achieving a higher state of enlightenment by transcending pain and looking fucking stupid." — me,
Body Modification Slogans

"The sea is full of gruesome, tentacled primeval horrors that want to eat me. The land, isn't." — Randall,

"Any sociologist who has looked at a message board for serious study needs to be beaten to death with his own degree." — Evan Wade,
A Few Words On The Internet White Knight

"As a rule of thumb, if a word has a 'Y' where an 'E' or 'I' should be it was created to piss sane people off." — Evan Wade,
A Few Words On The Internet White Knight

"To be in power you don't need guns or money or even numbers. You just need the will to do what the other guy won't."
— Kevin Spacey as Verbal Kint in Usual Suspects (slightly modified)

"The Moral Majority is neither and Focus on The Family does not."

"All I know is that all those people with cancer have been to your precious 'outside' at some point or anohter." — Eric,

"Do you enjoy catholic? What the fuck. No I don't enjoy catholic. Moron." — Kevin Garofalo,
More Lame Personal Ads

"I'm no physician, but there appears to be a dagger through my chest." — Richard,
Looking For Group

"Me fail English? That's unpossible!" — Ralph Wiggum

"My God. Were you born this stupid, or did they have to send you to some sort of special school where people beat you over the head with rocks?" — me, yesterday

And a couple that won't be added to the quote rotation, but are still good anyway:

"Happy birthday to the sheppard of 27000+ Transformers geeks. We had to go somewhere and you provided pictures of women in bikinis. ROCK ON DUDE" — Heavy B, congratulating the owner of

The Pope, a bear, a rabbi, a pirate, a diplomat, a midget, a woman in a coma, a pelican, and your mom were all relaxing on an Eames chair after a furious fortnight of group hate sex when there was a sound at the door. "Knock-knock" went the sound emanating from the door. Simultaneously, and without missing a beat, an answer broke like a desperate yowl from the throats of the oigers: "Who's there?" Like a shot from the butt gun of a pre-radicalized 1920's anarchist, came a response from beyond the door: "Banana." Faster than a duck could rape a lizard in the mouth, our motley crew of freakazoids, safely ensconced in the luxury of their designer seatlery, shook their heads and bleated as a unit, "Orange you glad we've already heard this joke and so shan't be participating (unless of course you are offering substantial financial renumeration)" There was no reply from the other side of the door, save this: One absolute rascal of a fart.
— I believe this came from Wonder Showzen. If it originated somewhere else before that, I have no idea.


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